


Nyx Ulric's Flavour of the Week

by roadsoftrial



Category: Final Fantasy XV
Genre: F/M, M/M, Newsletter, crackfic, giddyup!AU
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-22
Updated: 2018-08-22
Packaged: 2019-07-01 06:26:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 598
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15768462
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/roadsoftrial/pseuds/roadsoftrial
Summary: Insomnia’s favourite stripper and resident town bicycle has thoughts to share.





	Nyx Ulric's Flavour of the Week

Hey everyone, Nyx here with your weekly newsletter, at long last. I know you’ve all been waiting for it with bated breath, and I’m proud of y’all for giving your best in this fierce and vicious competition. I’m not gonna lie, it was real tight this month. Reaaal tight.

So here’s the official rankings for this week:

10- A big BOOOO for Ravus this week. I told him to bend over, he told me to get bent.

Rude-ass bitch.   
...  
...  
...  
...don’t tell him I said that.

9 - While she made it abundantly clear that she’s out of my league, I tripped and accidentally touched Aranea’s boob last Tuesday. She punched me. It was awesome. 10/10, as close to seducing her as I’ve ever gotten, so it deserves a spot on the list.

8 - Valiant effort from our sunshine boy Prompto this week. While his stamina was admirable, his dirty talk game still leaves much to be desired. ‘Imma ride you like a carousel’ is not a sexy thing to say, Prompto, step up your game, buddy. Better luck next month!

7 - Everyone’s favourite sleepy farmer was able to stay awake long enough to show me a good time this week! After last month’s unintentional somnophilia fiasco, this is a huge step up! Well done Noctis! We’re all very proud of you!

6 - After weeks of courtship and suggestive winks, our beautiful Cindy finally let me sleep over, and not on the couch this time! Who knew all I needed to do was show up at her door not drunk!

5 - Big shout out to my girl Crowe this week, who proves once again that you can teach an old dog new tricks.  
...  
The dog is me in this scenario.  
I’m not calling you a dog. Or old.   
Please don’t hurt me.

4 - Unlike her rude-ass brother, Luna was ready to get down and dirty this week, and boy did she deliver. Our rodeo queen’s strap-on game is, as always, off the charts, with impeccable bedside manners to boot. Maybe one day she’ll let me top. Stay tuned!

3 - Masterful performance for our very own Cor Leonis this week, proving to us that, like a fine wine, this HARD and FAST mantra of his only gets better with age. He could be higher on the list, but I was sore the next day because of him, and my tips suffered. You owe me, asshole.

2 - Our champion was dethroned! Ignis ’More-bendable-than-a-Measure-Flex-ruler’ Scientia slips to second place this week, despite putting up a more than honorable fight after being on top for the past 3 months. Let me tell you, it broke my heart to make this decision. Hopefully you’ll channel your rage by working extra hard to regain your spot next week. Can’t wait!!

1 - Y’ALL, THERE’S A NEW SHERIFF IN TOWN! Everyone’s favourite oversized farm boy was in stellar shape this month! While his flexibility is next to nonexistent, Gladio compensates in many, many ways, the most notable one being that filthy, clever little mouth of his. Kudos to his creativity and lyricism! Maybe you can give Prompto a few pointers. Congrats on your well-deserved first place! For your own safety, please stay away from Ignis for a while!

As always, as I am a fair and kind grader, if you feel personally cheated by my ranking, feel free to hit me up and, in my benevolent grace, I’ll give you another chance to prove yourself. As we all know, there’s nothing I love more than to be proven wrong.

PEACE OUT

Your one and only,

Nyx Ulric

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading! 
> 
> (Come yell at me on [tumblr](http://roadsoftrial.tumblr.com/) and [ffxv tumblr](https://thelegendarynoctgar.tumblr.com/)!!)


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